I may be a pretty shitty boyfriend, but… turns out I’m actually a pretty damn good babysitter.
Real life~
I wanted to write this for a bigger publication but sometimes it’s difficult to pitch about things that have hurt you. You have to make it sound juicy and maintain a certain level of professionalism - it’s annoying. You have to prove why your story is worth telling. Sometimes I just want to speak, get your check, and go.
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I’m 19 weeks pregnant with my first child. I’ve talked about being a mom for so long, so of course I’m happy to be here.
The father is a childhood friend that I trusted. That trust is now gone and the last few months have been brutal.
Long story short, he cheated and broke up with me before I made it through the first month of pregnancy. I raked my heart and mind for all of my missteps. I hated myself for putting myself in that position. I felt so stupid and naive.
I barely moved in January. I didn’t eat a lot, I didn’t comb my hair, I forced myself to shower. My grandmother had to do my laundry for me.
Before the breakup, he told me that an abortion would alter our relationship. I barely considered myself because I cared about his feelings more than my own. A family member also shamed me for wanting an abortion after I was betrayed. The pressure was a lot. I’ve always wanted a family and I needed to grow a bit, so I decided to keep the baby.
I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen the father of my child this year. He hasn’t come to a doctor’s appointment - not even when there was a cyst on the umbilical cord. I’ve done the majority of the calling and texting. He assures me that he’ll be there, but as this very moment, I don’t believe him.
Towards the end of a day that started off with lots of panic, I told him that I was afraid and didn’t want to do this alone. He told me “that’s life”. I cried myself to sleep for maybe the 20th time since the year started. That phrase is maybe my second favorite quote from him - the first is “God will provide”. We were talking about responsibility and money.
He also told me that he was hesitant about having a child, he didn’t want to be in a committed relationship, and that he broke up with me to protect me. Daggers.
I always return back to myself and accept accountability for my actions. I moved too quickly, I had too much faith in another person, I thought our relationship held more weight than it did. I could’ve used condoms. I knew better. I have no choice but to peep my role in all of this. My swollen face, sensitive breasts, and growing belly remind me.
But even with all of that, I’m honored to be bringing a person into the world. I made the right decision and I’ve done my best throughout the pregnancy. I know that my kid will be the coolest person ever. Even in weak moments, I G’d up. Rearranged my environment, continued my writing career, faced fears, all that jazz. So, my most dominant emotion is joy.
Flyer - December 2017
Photo I just edited for my portfolio taken in Hawaii while on a date with @deuceellis looking for a place to set up shop on the north shore of Oahu. Check out “An Electric Ride” by Deuce Ellis for more art and stories about our adventures making art all over the world traveling outside our bodies and comfort zones. I miss being on one the most distant islands in the world sometimes , but my time outside the typical American society and to be able to develop our individual beings and personal artistry is meant to be shared. I can’t wait to share with y'all the trip that has been America and continue our ride across the country reliving our trippest moment’s together !!!! #thecult 🙌🙌🙌#hawaii #honolulu #beach #photography #islandlife #anelectricride #graphicdesigner #albumrelease #travelgram #trees (at North Shore, Oahu, Hawaii)
“Private Thoughts, Seems to be Few, But Any Private Thoughts Are Put Into The Universe to be Personally Pursued.”
56x34
(Oil on Canvas)
January 2016
“Can You Ever Really Know Someone"
19x15.5
(Acrylic on Plastic)
September 2015
“Laws” 17x13.5 (Acrylic/Paper) June 2016
“Purple Rain” 17.5x13 (Acrylic/Canvas) April 2016

